Everyone has their own tells that giveaway how they’re actually doing in life… and that’s not well. Some people stop making plans with their loved ones, others gain weight, drink too much, start smoking cigarettes again, some suffer at work and I think all of us seem to watch it happen while also not really giving a fuck that any of it’s happening. Call it depression, call it heartbreak, call it mourning… Aren’t they all one in the same sometimes?
I’m looking around while I write this and spot dead flowers on my dining table, sad flowers outside that need some love and attention, dogs that could use some cuddles, and my poor fish that just need some more god damn water and I can’t seem to do any of it. I’ve stared at this bouquet of dead daisies for days and yet I don’t throw them away. Each morning after sleeping way too long (another sign…) I tell myself that I will throw these god damn flowers away and each time I glance at them, I don’t fucking do it. I walk away. I know I’m not alone in this sadness, but it doesn’t seem to help. Why are we all so fucking sad?
Is Mercury in retrograde? Nope, but it’s about to be so fuck my life. Could this all be seasonal depression? Maybe. Am I mourning a relationship I’m still kind of lost on how it ended? Yeah. That’s why I’m sad, but I don’t know about everyone else. Everyone is so goddamn sad and here I am staring at these dead flowers again, just to remind myself of how fucking dark life can be.
WOW isn’t this a change from my normal blog posts? I know. I can’t seem to give you guys any happy-go-lucky dating stories lately because I’m as fucking single as it gets. I’m mourning a break up that was never really a relationship, forming relationships with my virtual boyfriends in my romance novels, and drinking a lot of fucking wine. I’ve made a point to avoid talking about the ugly part that comes from dating, and here we are. I can no longer avoid it. I’ve never gone through a hard breakup while writing this blog and so these disgustingly vulnerable blog posts are probably coming as a shock.
It’s time to talk about the bad and the ugly of dating. People honestly fucking suck sometimes, and a lot of us get hurt in the process just as we sometimes act foolishly and end up hurting others when we don’t even know it. That’s our problem these days, no one wants to talk about how fucked up dating is, and how fucked up we all are. We’re living in a generation where the act of “romancing” someone has completely fled which is honestly perfectly fine. Our problem is that we’re at the awkward in-between stage like a bad haircut that you’re just waiting to grow to a normal level so you look semi-decent again. Each and every single one of us is trying to act like everything is fine when it’s not.
The age of romance is dead, leaving us in a perpetual state of fear of looking “crazy” or “too into them” while also trying to convince someone that we’re worth it without actually showing any real emotion. That is dating. We’ve all convinced ourself of these disgusting attributes while forgetting that these feelings all stem from a core emotion; vulnerability. We’re living in a time where we’re strong enough to speak out about our #metoo moments, state of mental health, sexual freedom or preferences, and yet we’re still somehow so concerned with how people view us that we’re never actually saying what we mean or how we feel.
We say “it’s fine” instead of “no, that was actually fucked up” and “life’s rough” instead of “I’m really hurting right now”. We’re saying “he’s an asshole” instead of “he definitely didn’t handle that in the best way and I’m sorry that it’s now affecting you”. We’re saying “fuck that bitch” instead of “damn, I know you were really feeling her. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out”.
WHY ARE WE SO FUCKED UP YOU GUYS. To be completely real, I do this more than anyone I know. I’m so obsessed with being okay that I frequently tell my friends “we can’t be sad anymore” and I regret every single time I said this. Crying sucks, watching someone you love cry also sucks, but acting like everything is fine and bottling it up just to unleash it on someone else and regret it sucks even more. It’s because we’ve been taught that being too much of literally anything is bad.
Don’t be too happy, or else you’ll seem condescending to others who are hurting. Don’t show that you’re too into them because that’s really unattractive. Don’t be honest about where you’re actually at mentally because we all have problems. Don’t be single for too long because then it looks like you’re not wanted. Don’t be so emotional, it’s ruining the mood. We’ve been told not to be too much of anything for so long that we’re not enough, in any way.
We’re not courageous enough because we’d have to show some vulnerability and fear of failure in order to do so. We’re not loving enough because we’d have to lose some of our “tough” demeanor to do so. We’re not compassionate enough because that means we’d have to acknowledge that someone else is being vulnerable.
That’s what all of this comes down to; the unattainable things we want that we can only have if we’re vulnerable. But no one is willing to do that.
So here’s me. The girl who is LITERALLY never vulnerable because I fear heartbreak more than anything else in my life because I scar. I have irrational fears of ghosts and fire but I’d rather come face to face with a ghost than tell the person that I love that I’m hurting so much I’m letting dead daisies sit on my table. I frequently tell my friends that things will be okay even though I’m not really sure how okay we’ll be. I consider myself the pillar of strength when I’m actually the queen of burying my feelings because I’ve been criticized so many times for showing my true emotions.
Through this I’m still only brave enough to show my vulnerability through my writing rather than in person. I’m only strong enough to sing my sad love songs and stare at these fucking dead daisies wondering how this all ended up so fucked up.
“Deal with your problems like everyone else…” I’m fucking tired of doing that. If we continue down this downward spiral of fear of being “too much” we’ll all just end up alone and miserable. But we’ll still be strong, right?
Bullshit.
-Gabby
fabulouslyalone 