Trade you a bouquet for a shot

It’s a Monday, and I’m three glasses of wine in so here we are! Of course, when I’m feeling loose and a little funny I gravitate towards my blog and my readers. I love you guys… Can you tell I’m the lovey drunk? LOL!

So today I’m here to talk about why being out of a toxic relationship is honestly so great. I’ve been listening to a few of my friends who are currently struggling a bit with their relationship, and I must admit… I am not at all envious. As much as I love being single, I honestly enjoy being in a relationship as well but hearing the ones floating around these days is not giving me a whole lot of hope. After being their ear and shoulder, I’ve made a single observation. They stay because they’re scared of having to try again.

Whether it’s their age, or the fact that they’ve been with that person for so long it seems impossible to actually end it. It’s too easy to say “It could get better” and a lot freaking harder to say “I need more than this”. I’ve noticed it in particular with women because we’re raised in a society that says you have to be married by 26 and kids by 28. It’s impossible to ignore these pressures when you’re constantly thinking about how your ovaries are going to shrivel up at any moment and suddenly you’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. What a way to live.

Honestly I don’t judge my friends, I feel for them. I find the best words I have to try to convince them that they deserve so much more than some guy who constantly says he needs more time to propose, or a guy who says he’ll do better as soon as he gets a better paying job. But it’s hard, and I get it. I’ve been there. When is the right time to give up without regretting it? At what point do you transition from “we just need to communicate better” to “this is simply not working out”. It’s impossible to know when  the best time is, and it’s impossible to know if you’ll regret leaving that person in the long run. Add in external pressures such as “you need to have kids before you have nothing else to live for” and suddenly it feels like the moment you have to dive for the flower bouquet at a wedding in hopes you even catch a fucking petal. By the way, who even came up with that tradition? Can we just take shots instead?

Long story short, witnessing my friends settle for disappointment and a memory of love makes me so sad. I wish they could see themselves in my eyes, and I wish their boyfriend could too. But unfortunately, humans are beings of action rather than reflection. It takes a multitude of someone screwing up rather than deciding to move on. Trust me, I’ve been guilty of this 5/5 times. I’m no better, and I want to clarify that. I love too much, and give too many chances. But at the end of the day, I am not scared at all of being alone and I wish that others felt the same. Let me tell you- it’s a lot easier to be happy alone rather than disappointed and committed.

On to the next glass of wine, and listening to some more Common in this gorgeous sunshine. Enjoy your evening y’all, and to my girls who read this and feel a little ping in their heart… I love you guys, and I just want you to see yourselves the way I see you. Gorgeous, ambitious, strong, whole hearted, and YOU. I love you guys.

-Tipsy Gabby

 

 

Pain VS. Love

I saw a post on Facebook today that said “true love always finds a way to come back”, and I thought a lot about this. Out of curiosity, I looked at the comments on this post and found many reactions. Many people said that if it was true love to begin with than it wouldn’t have left. Others said that they were currently living that time because of the wrong timing in the past making that love to fail, in that moment. Now, what do I think?

I believe that true love does indeed have a way of finding its way back. I believe this due to the fact that after being in love once, and being without that love for 3 years, nothing has really changed about my love for him. In these 3 years, my life has changed in so many ways. I’m more successful in my career, have experienced losing my dad, have fought many health issues on my own, lost and cultivated other strong relationships in my life, and have learned what makes me so great. Even though everything has changed, that feeling of love has not. Maybe that means I’m weak, but I like to think that it means what he and I had was real.

Now does it find a way of coming back? From my experience, yes. I’ve had changes in my own body when he was in pain, even though I didn’t know it. I would go weeks without thinking about him, and suddenly feel a pain in my chest and then come to find out he was going through a difficult time in his life. If that feeling of love roots itself in to my being, than of course it would find a way to return eventually. The next question to ask is, is it worth it?

Let’s say he did somehow return to my life, would the pain I felt be worth the love I feel? I think this would be different for every single person. For myself, I have always been one that bathes in my own vulnerability which makes me weaker in some ways, and stronger in others. I think for others they simply wouldn’t allow themselves to dabble with the idea. It’s embarrassing to open yourself up to hurt again, and of course it’s risky. If you hurt once, you’ll hurt again.

So is it worth it? If i’m honest, I don’t think that I will ever have the answer to this question. I don’t know if the pain would be worth the love, but what I do know is that it’s more than that. It’s not as simple as pain vs. love. In my case I did indeed experience pain and love, though I also experienced what it’s like to be challenged. I experienced pure happiness in just smiling at him, and felt what it was like to be 100% in sync with someone. So for me, when I think about if he were to walk in to my life again it’s difficult for me to simply look at “is he going to hurt me again?”. I think to myself “If I were to walk away, would I live with myself knowing it was my choice to drop love?” I don’t think I would.

Here’s to love.

-Gabby… A.K.A the girl who’s still obsessed with love.

Single, and Obsessed With Love

I am my past, and it has guided me. That’s what I’ve learned in my 22 years of life, and thus far has not failed me. I’ve learned from things that have happened to me as well as situations I’ve been in and it has influenced the decisions that I make to this day. In my past, I struggled with voicing exactly what I needed from a relationship, and I’ve gotten much better at doing that today.

I know you that last you knew I was in a committed relationship with a wonderful man who met all 5 of my non-negotiables, which is true. But it didn’t work out. This just goes to show that things don’t always go according to plan, and a list of what you need in your significant other is not enough, nor is love. Love is a beautiful, hardly attainable being in itself that is definitely worth fighting for, but the problem in my last relationship was that I wasn’t in love.

I wanted to be, but I wasn’t. I was met with impossible decisions near the end when I realized I woke up in the morning prepared to justify why our relationship wasn’t making me happy. I was used to being disappointed by my lack of emotion, as well as the lack of effort on his part. He may read this, and I hope that I don’t hurt him, but I must be honest. That is my commitment I’ve made to this blog and to my readers. I am genuine, honest, as well as vulnerable. I was in a relationship that I really wanted to work out, but it just wasn’t meant to be. He was attentive, giving, and perfect for somebody else… Just not me.

Today, I thought a lot about how I wanted to reach out to all of you. To write to all of you. But I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about. I haven’t been seeing anybody else, and haven’t gone on any dates so what advice did I have to give? Well here’s my advice.

Be true to yourself. You are your past, and you have learned whether consciously or subconsciously about what you need based on relationships you’ve had in the past. What I learned is that years ago I was deeply in love, and though it hurt towards the end, it’s certainly something I’d like to strive for again. An ex-boyfriend of mine years ago once told me “You’re obsessed with the idea of love”, and maybe I am. Maybe I am eager to feel that love again, but maybe I crave what I’ve once felt in the past. Maybe I want to feel like my soul belongs to someone else. I am true to myself and can realize that if I am going to be with someone, I need that consuming love. Mediocracy is not in my vocabulary, so why should I advocate for it? I didn’t, I haven’t, and I will not.

I am convinced that we are independent beings created to thrive on our own. I am additionally convinced that the only time we can become higher than the highest potential of our own being is when we have a significant other that lifts us up. Call me unrealistic or cheesy, but I am pretty convinced that my view about this will never change. I am my past, and my past has taught me that anything worth living for is worth suffering through. Have a good night y’all, and I can’t wait to be back with you guys. I love being single with all of you. ❤

P.S. I am newly blonde, so there’s that!

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-Gabby (single and obsessed with love)

“Oh my god… Is that him?”

“Oh my god, is that him?!” we’ve all said it to ourselves a time or two when we thought we saw our ex in public, but then we realize that it’s actually possible for another guy to have the same shirt as our ex. But what happens if it’s actually not a false alarm? Suddenly the back of this guy looks really freaking familiar, and you swear you’ve seen that mole on his ear before. Is that really him?! You ask yourself.. Yes, why yes it is. Mayday, mayday, mayday, it’s time for world war 3 people and we are ready for intelligent warfare. This is not a drill people, time to conjure every single hurt emotion this man has caused.

It’s like it’s all happening in slow motion. You realize that this man actually is your ex, and you suddenly take a mental inventory of what you’re wearing. “Seriously  bitch, you’re wearing your fucking bad yoga pants in public? WHY DID YOU NEED ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW?!” and then the worst happens. He feels your stare on his back, and it’s like you see the rest in slow motion. You’re thinking about the way your hair looks like a baby gorilla’s, and he and his disgustingly shiny hair is turning slowly. You begin to see the corner of his mouth and remember the way it felt against your own, and then suddenly your staring square into his eyes. His eyes light up, and you’re preparing for every decent response to “how have you been?!’ which could include “depressed and drunk” or “better without you”, and even “fine. Thanks, bye.”

Now at this point in this inconvenient rendezvous, your conversation could go about 1 of 3 ways. You realize what you miss and begin to question every decision you’ve made since you split, you feel so much better off and add an extra pop to your hips when you walk away, or you feel nothing at all (when does this ever happen? Seriously.)

Pause for a minute. This morning while I was at work we all began delving in to the past when he had mistakenly run in to our exes, and though I didn’t hear a separate story to fit each category,  I am pretty confident that I am right. One of my coworkers ran in to her ex today when she was at Safeway and he would NOT let her walk out of that store without a background story of her life’s happenings. She honestly tried so hard to get out of that situation, like when you hear those stories about ordering a top secret shot at the bar when you’re on a bad date that calls them an Uber, but he was not having it. She did the classic chick move. Throw your head down, hope that he doesn’t recognize your walk, ignore his desperate calls of your name, and EVACUATE. He wasn’t having it. He, I shit you not, followed her out of the store and refused to let her walk away before he knew that perhaps he wasn’t the only miserable one without her. Boy, was he wrong. After their conversation, and finding out he worked a few blocks from her favorite lunch spot, she vowed to step up her work game, throw on the falsies, and look DAMN good when she saw him next.

Now, this is what I was referring to earlier. It wasn’t that she necessarily had anything against him, but there’s something satisfying about knowing that you look jaw-dropping when potentially running in to your ex. If she seems him at the salad bar tomorrow, all he’ll be able to do is stare at her ass while popping cherry tomatoes on his salad. Sorry bud, but this is what you missed out on, and damn right I am doing much better without you.

Unfortunately when I saw my ex in public almost a year ago, this is not the reaction I had, though it was a little similar. I saw him at a car show (I should have known it would happen) and silly me was pointing at a car directly behind him when my best friend realized I happened to be pointing directly at my ex boyfriend. I remember that I had recognized his shirt in the moment, but it was a car shirt so I thought “every guy probably has that shirt”. Now, in this moment, it was just as described above. Horrible, in slow motion, and nightmare causing for the following weeks. As I’m pointing at a GTR behind him  my best friend says “Gabby, stop. That’s him”. Of course I am oblivious as shit as to what’s going on (when am I not?) and I then lock eyes with him. This is one of those moments that you reflect one. What did his eyes say? Why did he instantly drop his girlfriends hand when he locked eyes with me? And of course, why did I gape at his girlfriend with an open mouth? Well luckily in my situation, I gaped at her because she did not look like the girl I had remembered from stalking his Facebook.

My experience was different than my coworkers in that her ex had known what he missed out on, whereas my ex and myself included refused to admit that we had seen each other. Instead I acted like I didn’t see him race a car, and he acted like he hadn’t been awed by my beauty causing him to drop his girlfriends hand (yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

Moral of the story, when you see your ex and you begin questioning what you’re wearing, why you decided on this day to skip flossing, or why you gained that extra 10 pounds just remember this; they were in love with you for a reason and if they saw you in public somewhere, they are wondering about you. He went home, and he questioned every part of his life, whether consciously or subconsciously, and even if you aren’t proud of the size of your ass right now, you better ROCK that thing back and forth when walking away.

Work it ladies!

My best,

The girl who lost 30 pounds and looked really fucking good when I saw my ex *hair flip*

Baby, I’m All In

Daniel and I are currently in the honeymoon stage, and having both had serious relationships in the past we’re both stretching out this stage as long as we can. The problem? We’re also really good at doing the married shit.

We definitely have most aspects of the honeymoon stage down. We are actually professionals, and could teach a course on how to be absolutely adorable. We are that couple that has disgustingly cute secret looks we share, photos of us kissing, long phone calls when we’re away from each other, and of course the Facebook Official status. No seriously, just look at us-

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Now that you see what I mean, let me explain why I said we’re good at the whole “marriage” part of a relationship. Two weeks into our relationship he came over to my moms to help her cut down a tree and chop wood. This weekend we’re planning on hanging out at his new house, and hanging up drapes. Like, what?

Though it may not typically be a part of the honeymoon stage, I actually find solace in it. It’s relieving to me because when I’m in the honeymoon stage, I overthink every single part of my relationship. I mentioned in my last post that I am completely genuine with him, which I am, but I also hide many of my fears. One example is that I was worried about asking him if he wanted to be Facebook official even though we had both made it pretty clear to each other that we were exclusive. I was worried that he was worried about what his friends or family would think. Shit, I was worried about what they would think of me. Would I be as pretty as his exes? Would they see my age and assume I was too young and immature for him? Just a few reasons why I didn’t even bother asking.

Anyways, last night a pretty incredible thing happened. Daniel and I were on the phone and he brought the whole Facebook official thing up himself. He asked me if I was ready, and expressed that he was worried that I would be freaked out by our pace. I guess he has gotten to know me pretty well, huh? I giggled, wiped imaginary sweat off of my forehead and said “baby, I’m all in”.

Now, writing this post I feel very silly. What a problem for a millennial, am I right? As silly as it is, these are real things that millennials are concerned about! We are surrounded by the vision of other happy couples on Facebook (currently me and my boo), and feel the need to live up to those same expectations! The problems are not real, though they are there at the forefront of our minds. These are problems that typically arise in the honeymoon stage, and they are problems I don’t really don’t know how to face.

The marriage shit though? I have that down! Do we fight over who took the garbage out last? No, but at least if we did I would know how to handle it… *cue the Gabby glare and eyebrow raise* It’s in the longer relationship and the actual problems where I feel I shine most. I am good at listening to my SO’s problems, and hoping to offer valuable advice. I’m better at choosing drapes than I am at meeting family and planning busy weekends full of adventures. I’m better at those things because I did them all before, and honestly I don’t really remember how to simply fall. I only remember the dread I felt after falling.

In the midst of all of these realizations, I am recognizing one thing. The honeymoon stage may be a bit more difficult for me, but it’s just another opportunity for me to grow. In this stage with Daniel, I’ve learned trust. When he doesn’t answer my texts right away or text me as soon as he’s off work I don’t automatically jump to conclusions like I used to. In fact, I just put my phone down and busy myself with my own responsibilities. This stage of our relationship when we only see each other on weekends gives me the ability to continue cultivating friendships, my own lifestyle, and makin’ dat money of course.

So, moral of the story… Whether we stay in the honeymoon stage or practice dipping our toes in the marriage style of relationships, baby I am all in.

Goodnight y’all.

-Gabby

Fabulously Taken

Every time I turn on my computer to write, the first thing I do is turn on my Pandora and this time when I did “Like You’ll Never See Me Again” by Alicia Keys was the first song to start playing. If you’ve heard the song, then you understand what I mean when I say that I instantly felt the tune of it deep into my soul and of course was inspired much  quicker than I normally am. It’s a good day!

So last night I was on the phone with my boyfriend and was talking about how bored I am with life right now. He’s such a sweetheart, he actually sat and brainstormed with me about what hobbies I can begin to alleviate the lack of motivation I had and this blog was the first thing that came to mind. He knew that I have a blog about being single, but we hadn’t quite delved in to it because it’s a bit awkward. How do I explain that I want to write a blog about being single when he and I are seeing where things go? This has been my constant struggle every time I start seeing someone but he had the best idea! He told me that I should start writing about what it’s like in the early stages of being in a relationship… and why the hell wouldn’t I? So no, I am not quitting the blog and yes I’m sure the occasional post about being single will come up (I can’t just forget what I learned). This blog keeps me sane, and it’s definitely not time to let it go.

I figure that you’re all wondering who he is, right? Well his name is Daniel and I really wonder what good things I did in my life to earn the exact man I have been asking for all of these years! Now you may remember the blog post I wrote a few months ago called “5 Non-Negotiables” and if not you can find it right here. Well Daniel and I had met last July and we dated for a few months but didn’t ever make things official. After those few months I had wanted to make things exclusive but he had a lot of things going on and felt he couldn’t give me the time I deserved. I respected that, but I was hurt and wondering what went wrong. I quickly moved past that because my life was crazy at the time while trying to finalize the legalities of my dads passing and getting settled into my promotion at work. We didn’t talk for months and then just last week he asked me to dinner spontaneously. I agreed, because I’m always curious when an ex reaches out but I’ll admit, I had a feeling that this wasn’t just “catching up”. Well, I was right.

While at dinner he dropped quite the bomb on me and came out and told me that he had things figured out in his life, and he wanted to make things exclusive between he and I right there. At first I was completely taken aback. How could we possibly just act like nothing happened?! I wondered what I’d tell my family and friends, and then I wondered if it was dangerous to just jump into things so I told him we could ease into things and date again. Who the fuck was I kidding?

If you know me then you know that I never half ass anything, and my love life is included. Now what I pride about myself is that it takes someone pretty amazing to catch my attention which is why I’ve been single for more than two years. I kind of wondered if I had too high of standards, which I wrote about here but now I realize that I was silly to ever wonder that. I was patient, picky, and why would I half ass being with this man who is every single thing I’ve ever asked for. He meets every single one of my 5 non-negotiables so well that he actually said to me “I know it sounds crazy but you’re exactly what I want and when I want something I go after it”… UM, DID I NOT SAY THAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME?! I am still flabbergasted. Now I am still trying to be a little cautious, but I’ve gotten to know Daniel pretty well and I am pretty confident that his authenticity, caring demeanor, and positivity is exactly what I need in my life.

Needless to say, we jumped into things quickly but I don’t anticipate things going south. Now here’s my advice for those of you in the early stages of a relationship; be with the guy who makes you feel absolutely comfortable being yourself. In my pasts relationships I have constantly wondered “what does he think of me” or “am I talking too much”? Maybe I’ve gotten disgustingly comfortable with myself, but not once have I been self conscious with Daniel. I am constantly open, vulnerable, and myself with him and though that may sound scary to some but it’s actually so relieving. Imagine the tense shoulders, self doubt, and constant over thinking just disappearing. That’s when you know that you have something pretty good in front of you. It’s in those moments when you really get to know the deepest parts of people so if this early on we are completely real with each other, than we are simply setting ourselves up for success.

As I near the end of this post, I began to wonder to myself “I should probably check with Daniel before just writing about our business for the world to see” even though we had already talked about it last night. I shot him a text asking and these were his words, “Of course talk about us as much as you want and how you really feel about it too! Write without holding anything back”. A man who understands how important writing is to me? I think I’ll keep this one around.

Have the best night you guys!

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Fabulously taken,

Gabby

 

 

My Breast Reduction Journey

Hi friends,

This post will be slightly different than you’re used to, and it’s because I feel that in this blog I’ve always strived to be completely vulnerable, authentic, and open to sharing my story and experiences. This is one story that may be long winded, but I feel very committed to sharing. I sincerely hope that this story helps just one other person who perhaps has considered getting a breast reduction. I also hope that it helps others understand why women consider it. So stick around, grab a glass of wine, and enjoy. Just FYI, I’m drinking a glass of Chardonnay while writing this. 😉

When I was in seventh grade, I had my first experience that made me realize I may be much more different than I had considered simply because I had bigger breasts than others my age. I was already well aware that I was more well endowed as all of my girlfriends were pulling out their colorful new A or B-cup bras they had while I was already wearing taupe colored D-cup bras, but this one experience made me realize how truly different my experience through school would be. There was a boy in my elective class who randomly asked me one day, he said “do you get goosebumps on  your chest because your boobs are big?”. Now  when he asked me this I couldn’t even open my mouth. I wondered to myself, “is it abnormal to have goosebumps on my chest?”. That night I went home and asked my mom because I thought something was legitimately wrong. She looked at me with this look in her eyes, like she knew that I’d have one hell of a struggle through my teenage years, and said “no baby, you were just cold. Don’t even talk to that boy”. As that year continued, I was continually sexually harassed by this boy though I never told anyone because it’s normal right? It’s normal to constantly be sexualized because I had big boobs, right? I didn’t know any better.

Throughout the rest of my middle school years, I had three shirts of mine confiscated because I was “distracting others” with my actual uncontrollable cleave (other women with large breasts understand) and was forced to wear my P.E. shirt throughout the whole day and of course this only caused more attention towards my breasts. Throughout those years, I became hard. I got very good at snapping my fingers in front of boys eyes to bring their eyes back to meet mine rather than allow them to drool over my boobs. These years made me realize that the only way I’d survive high school was by being a bitch, and trust me I was remembered this way.

Flash forward to my freshman year of high school, and things were actually different. I was at a new school where I wore my resting bitch face like a shield and boys didn’t bother me as often. Though I was luckier that year, that’s when my back pain started. I distinctly remember one morning when I was laying in bed, too embarrassed to get out of bed to tell my mom I didn’t want to go to school because my back hurt from my boobs. I had no other explanation as I was no longer playing sports, and hadn’t injured myself. That year my mom forced me to start seeing a chiropractor, and that’s when I started my regular adjustments that helped immensely, but only at first. I saw the same chiropractor every four weeks like clock work, and always had my lower back adjusted as well as my neck adjusted. That same year I had my first incident that made me realize I could not live forever like this. I was shopping for my first Homecoming dress, and broke down in the fitting rooms more than once. I remember that the strapless dresses were all the buzz, and that was the only style I could not wear since my breasts seemed to spill out no matter the size of the dress. I even ventured into the adult sections which only made my situation more sobering. I only went to four dances in high school because dress shopping was miserable for me rather than memorable.

High school consisted of continuing experiences of boys brave enough to try to cop a feel, throwing food down my shirt, my friends making jokes that actually hurt me, and twirling in the mirror in the dead of night trying to imagine what I’d look like with smaller breasts. Besides that, I actually consider myself lucky. I was never sexually harassed to the point of feeling unsafe, and it’s especially sad that I consider my situation a lucky one.

The day I realized the gravity of my situation, and how important it was for me to get breast reduction for my own health is when I was visiting my chiropractor when I was 19. He used to have this TV in his office that would play a slideshow of chiropractor philosophies, and I remember reading a quote mentioning that pills were a cover up while chiropractic was a preventive care. When I was finally called to the back we joked our normal bit as we had grown very close, and when I had my face dug in the table I asked “if coming to a chiropractor is preventive care, when does it ever become something I do occasionally rather than regularly” as I was seeing him every 4 weeks, the most my insurance would pay for, and had been seeing him for 5 years. He sighed and said “Gabby I’m sorry but this is something you’ll have to do the rest of your life until you get breast reduction”, and that’s when I had decided. I didn’t need to fathom the risks, or talk to my boyfriend or family, I just said “will you write something for my insurance company, so they can cover it?” and he told me he’d email me that night.

This is when my actual journey begins… or so you’d think. I saw my primary care provider that week, and she told me I needed to lose at least 15 pounds before she could refer me, and insisted that if I lost weight than my boobs would shrink. I was a size 36-F at this point in my life so I knew they weren’t going to shrink but I agreed because I knew I would do anything. I cried that night, blaming myself for eating too much and giving myself these boobs. I cried because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to lose weight because I had tried so many times. I knew I needed inspiration so I talked to my cousin who always understood a deeper part of me and she said the most life changing words. She said, “Gabby you always do whatever you have to do  to get what you want. This is just another one of those moments. You just have to decide to do it, and then you can do it.” and she was absolutely right. Instead of losing 15 pounds, I lost 30 to my surprise. I jumped off the scale at the doctors office with tears in my eyes because I knew it was finally happening. My doctor gleefully approved my referral to a plastic surgeon, then told me to await their call.

I waited for a few days, and then I waited for a few weeks, and then I grew impatient. I called the surgeons office only to hear the receptionist say “the doctor has declined your consultation. I’m happy to have him call you to tell you why” but I declined because I knew if I talked to this man I would say things that I would be ashamed of later. All I could think was “of course it was a man”. I know better now to automatically assume that I was declined this surgery because the surgeon was a man, but I do believe that it was because of my age. I was too young, it was a risky procedure and I still had time to try to fix the problem on my own, even though not a single inch of weight I had lost came from my breasts.

The next year, my mom was gracious enough to move myself and the entire family over to  different insurance coverage and changed all of our doctors. That was last year and four months later I was sitting naked on a hospital bed while my surgeon drew purple lines all over my breasts. It was finally time for my breast reduction, and suddenly I was unsure. I looked over at my mom with what looked like spider webs drawn on my breasts, and I said “is this crazy? Do I really need this?” She snapped a photo of me in that moment, and turned the screen back at me. I had never seen myself in this light as I had never taken a photograph of this nature, at least without a bra on, and was disgusted. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. I looked sick. I had an hour glass waist that was hid by these globes of fat that were larger in diameter than my actual body. You could see the skin being stretched on my chest, and my veins were bright purple. I looked back up at her  and she said “a lot of people have asked ‘does Gabby really need to do this? Women pay money to have her boobs. Is she just doing this for attention? Does she understand what she’s going through?’ and I told them all to shove it because I know how unhealthy this is for you. You need to do this baby”, and she was absolutely right. Minutes later, I was looking up towards the bright lights and counting backwards from 10 drifting through the anesthesia.

This is where things get a little more interesting because after I woke up, things were NOT easy. Once the anesthesia had diminished enough I kept looking down at my chest constantly thinking “what the fuck did I just do to myself? Look how small they are. I don’t know why I did this. There is literally a hole inside of me so fluids can leak. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck” but I smiled and acted like everything was fine because I had fought SO many people trying to get support for this surgery. I could not act like I regretted my decision, even if for a second. And then, it happened. I got out of the bed to try to walk around a little bit, and I looked down. I didn’t see my cleavage, or even the large bandage covering my breasts. I saw my toes. I shit you not, I saw my toes and I laughed with the glee of a child. I hadn’t even realized that I couldn’t see my toes when I was standing straight before my surgery! From that moment, I knew I made the right decision.

The few days after that were gruesome. The pain set in, but my cousin came to my rescue. This angel took time off of work, out of her life, and came and took care of me as my mom was out of town. She made me food, and took me out to Target when I just needed to get out of the house though she tried to get me to stay in bed. She took me to buy horrendous looking sports bras, and then she held me when I cried because I couldn’t get comfortable for the life of me.

Then the complications started. My stitches that were supposed to dissolve didn’t, and my wound was re-opened. It’s left me with very noticeable and painful scars that I continue to have issues with, and I am actually having corrective surgery for. As I continued to see my surgeon every few days I said to him “is it normal that I still can’t feel my left nipple” and his gaze dropped a bit. That’s the day I realized that this wasn’t just a breast reduction surgery. It was completely reconstructive, as I no longer had any feeling in my left nipple or breast at all, and even now, 11 months later, still have no feeling. Flash forward 3 months past my surgery and we’ve reached yet another complication. I grew a lump in my left breast (I call it my problem child), and just about lost it when my doctor let me know since my father had just passed away from cancer. Luckily, this lump is noncancerous, though still needs to be surgically removed as it’s just a ball of scar tissue sitting inside of my breast.

So here we are. 11 months post surgery, and it’s still pretty damn great. Yes, I may have pain from my scars daily that prevent me from wearing a normal bra, and I may have a lump in my breast as well as no feeling whatsoever in one of them but here’s what I do have-

I have a regular life. I am now a large C, and can wear whatever kind of bikini or dress I want. Sometimes I walk out of the house braless without fear I’ll be stared at, and sometimes I even twirl in the mirror late at night just admiring the fact that I can see my whole body, even if I have about 17 inches of scarring. Now the most important part; my back pain is completely gone. I haven’t gone to see a chiropractor in over a year, and I haven’t had a single back spasm in 11 months. My shoulders no longer have permanent indents from bras, nor do I ever feel immense pain at the end of the day just because they haven’t been stagnant all day. At the end of the day, I had a very complicated and risky surgery, and a lot of those silent risks happened to me. No matter my circumstances, I still stare at myself in the mirror and smile because I no longer have to think so hard about every action I do. I no longer have to hesitate before I go on a run on the street, and I never have to worry about if a crew neck T-shirt still looks too sexual. I’m just here, in the present, enjoying each moment.

I know this was a very long post, and I do thank you for hearing my story. If you know anyone who has ever considered getting a breast reduction surgery please share this with them and encourage them to reach out to me personally through the “contact me” area of my blog. If you’ve ever wondered about my surgery, well here it is. Have a great night everyone.

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Stay beautiful,

Gabby

 

5 Non-Negotiables

Fair warning, I’ve had two BIG glasses of Pinot Noir and caught up on The Bachelor so you already know I am full of sass! To begin, I’d just like to say that 2017 has not been half bad so far! Nothing significantly good has happened in my personal life, though nothing bad has happened so I am hoping for a smooth ride the rest of the year. 2017 has really consisted of watching a lot TV, one of those shows being The Millionaire Matchmaker.

If you haven’t seen the show, it’s a show produced by Patti Stanger that involves a woman (Stanger) who is hired by millionaires to find their perfect match. Let me just say that I absolutely LOVE Patti. That woman has a pair of balls bigger than any man that I met, and she is amazing at recognizing peoples’ vulnerabilities. I strive to be this woman. Anyways, in a recent episode she talked about how important it is to have something called “5 Non-Negotiables”. This means that after going through a few relationships and being able to recognize what may and may not have worked for you, having a concrete list of what you MUST have in every single future man/woman that you can refer back to. If the person in question doesn’t meet these qualities, than hit the road Jack! It definitely got me thinking about what my list of non-negotiables were, and hence this blog post. This is one blog post I know I will return to any time I find a potential man. Let’s start!

  1. A man who is 100% secure and confident with themselves. I’ve dated men in the past who constantly felt the need to mold to whomever he was expected to be. If he’s the “life of the party” and liked by everyone, he probably is not my one and only because he is most likely faking some part of himself. He doesn’t need to have his whole life figured out, and I am sure more growth will happen, but I can’t keep seeing different sides of someone depending on the environment. Not this time!
  2. A man who knows what he want. I think this may be on a lot of ladies list, but this may even take place of my current #1. I have been in WAY too many relationships where they simply don’t know what they hell they want. I’ve gotten all of the scenarios. “I’ll love you forever, but I just can’t be with you right now” or “You’re an amazing person, and I don’t want to lose you so let’s just be friends”. I’ve even gotten “You’re the only person that understands me but I just need some time” and also “I’m into you but we have a really great friendship and I don’t want to lose that”. I’m sure all of these men may have had their own reasonings (or excuses) for saying these things, but I’ve gotten really good at protecting myself after hearing these things. I also know I’ve given second, third and even fourth chances to men after they turn around with some bullshit excuse so no, I am NOT falling for that again.  I must go for a guy who knows he wants me off the bat, and will do what he needs to in order to make it happen. I will stop settling for mediocre boys who don’t know what they want.
  3. A man who accepts me even when I am at my lowest. I was once in a relationship where this man continuously put me down in an indirect way that belittled, and brought me down as a person over time. I must promise myself that if a man ever again tells me that he “doesn’t feel like I try anymore” than I need to pack my bag and get the hell out of there. If he says “I’m here for you, but I just can’t handle how sad you always are” than I know that I could never rely on a secure future with this man. By always being vulnerable and genuine I know I can achieve this one.
  4. A man who isn’t afraid to work for what he wants in life. I’m not a lazy person when it comes to the things I want in life, and when I set my mind on something, I do everything in my power to achieve it. I need a man who can keep up with me, and maybe even out run me. I haven’t seen this one yet, so let’s see if it’s possible.
  5. Someone who challenges me. I haven’t ever been with a person who has genuinely challenged me, or truly intrigued me. I like to think that I’m good at reading people, and my gut hasn’t been wrong yet. From the get go, I can generally tell what a man can bring to the table, and I have never been challenged. Quite frankly, it’s boring and I want the love of my life to be someone who isn’t afraid to stand up to me. I know I can be a lot, and I’m looking for someone who can give me a simple look that makes my blood boil with competitiveness. If I can find someone with this talent, than that will keep me on my toes and keep me in love.

WOW, what a list. I really wasn’t sure what my non-negotiable’s were until I wrote this list. I knew the first two, but once I got to the third the rest really just flowed right out of my finger tips. I think that finding someone who satisfies all five of these things will be very difficult, maybe even nearly impossible, but once it happens I know that he will truly set my soul on fire. I want to hear about your 5 non-negotiable’s! Please comment or feel free to bounce off of this blog. If you don’t want to be as open as me, write one for yourself that you can refer back to. Set yourself up for success, and keep yourself accountable!

It’s time to go pour another glass of wine, and watch the snow fall!

With love,

The girl with fire in her eyes.

Dear future love

So this morning, I had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head (blame the playlist at work) and I caught myself singing “Merp, merp, meeeeerp” to the tune of Katy Perry while typing away at my desk. When I realized what horrific noise I was making, I instantly thought to myself “no wonder I’m single”. After that negative thought crept into my brain, I realized that a bad attitude can block destiny, so I knew I needed to reform the thought. I sat for a little bit and thought, “hell, why not just sit and reflect about all of my quirks and imperfections, and write them down so I am prepared to explain them all to my future significant other. It’d be a hell of a laugh”

So here I am, actually typing a letter to my future love (please don’t be a fuck boy) of my life… Enjoy!

My future love,

You may think you know me, but if you really knew me you’d know that I am an imperfect creature who has a hard time recognizing that sometimes. My mom liked to say that she passed on her Perfectionism to me, but I am uncertain if that’s even the right word for my constant stream of thoughts that make me hate the person I am; “if only they listened to me” or “why is it so hard for people to understand something when it’s effortless to me” and “I’m right”… No, I’m not right but I can never recognize that in the moment. You may have called me a control freak in the past when I had to reorganize the dishwasher, and know that it cut deep because that’s a part of me that I try to bury but I truly have no control of. I’m working on it, so be patient while I attempt to remain open, vulnerable, and open to criticism.

If you truly knew me you’d see that I hate my curly hair and the cellulite on my thighs. You’d know that I sing freely in the car until I realize that people may be listening. I’m the kind of person that does my best to be confident at all times, but really I have a tattoo that says “beautiful” on my ribs because I have to force myself to look at it and remind myself. Sometimes I go through ruts where I question everything in my life, and during those moments I just need you to humor me. If I start talking about moving to North Carolina, I need you to just smile and tell me that you’d follow me. Trust me, I won’t actually do it. I never do.

I am absolutely certain you know this by now, but if not let me remind you; I snort when I laugh too hard, and I say “meep” and “merp” for absolutely no reason. My feet are constantly cold, and if I ever don’t have my feet under your thighs to warm them up then I am very angry with you. I have the stupidest humor (blame my dad), and I curse like a sailor without shame. I’ve always dreamt of being a writer, and I adore goats. Yes, goats. I say too much (this may be an instance of that…), and don’t tell me to shush or else I may explode. I’m sassy, stubborn, my smile is big, and my laugh is even bigger.

Some of these may sound pretty familiar, and if they don’t then you’re probably not really in love with me. If they do and you’re still sticking around, then I applaud you. Before I go, I just want to say that I appreciate you. I appreciate you for picking me up when I have one of my anxiety attacks. I appreciate you for kissing my body when I feel insecure and hopeless. I appreciate you for occasionally giving me daisies instead of roses, and I appreciate you for just being there. If I fell in love with you, just know that you did something right, and I’d like you to continue reminding me of that. I don’t want to fall out of love this time, I want you to be my one and only.

With love, kisses, sass, and fear,

Gabriella

 

 

365 Days Later

I haven’t written a blog post, or even visited my own blog since August and I am pretty disgusted with myself. At first I blamed it on the fact that I was seeing someone, but after that ended I realized that my hesitance stemmed from self-doubt, which is also shameful. For a little while I simply questioned if I was fit to write a blog about being a happily single woman, because I wasn’t happy. But here I am, laying in bed, and the words are flowing effortlessly and my soul seems a little more full.

Last night I was hanging out with a friend and he asked me what happened to my blog, and that’s when I realized I had to get back in my groove. I had to figure out what I wanted to say, and why I wanted to say it. With some help from my best friend, I realized that on this merry eve of Christmas, I do indeed have a lot I need to say.

365 days ago I was enjoying the holiday with my family while I anxiously awaited a text from someone that I thought meant a lot to me. Though it seemed as though it was just another Christmas, last Christmas might be my most regretful because I didn’t fully appreciate the moment I was given; the last Christmas with my dad. My stomach was in knots, my heart continued to flutter, and I was not in the moment with my family. When that text finally came a few days into 2016, it finally allowed me to begin the process of closing a chapter of my life and deciding how I would write my new one.

Here we are, 365 days later and a lot has changed. Yes, I had multiple life changing events happen (my dad passing, my breast reduction surgery, losing 30 pounds) but there is so much more that happened that I didn’t realize until today. This year, I was able to look up into a bit of light from where I was standing at rock bottom, and I somehow climbed my way up. On this day, I am able to say with complete certainty that I know what I am worth. On this day, I can look myself in the eye in the mirror and say “you did your best, and that is all that matters” which is not something I thought I would ever be able to do. On this day, I am able to gracefully accept that life doesn’t always go as planned, and that’s the beauty of it.

I’ve learned that I need to stop planning every single moment, and that is what absolutely shocks me about my personal growth in this last year. In another 365 days I have no idea where I will work, or live, or who I will be with. I have no idea if by that time I would even have found someone who can challenge me and grow with me. By next year, I have absolutely no clue what my life will look like and that is completely acceptable. Going forward in these next 365 days all I crave is to have continued this personal growth i have already succeeded at.

I am so excited to get back into regularly writing, and I promise I won’t let you guys down. Enjoy this day with your loved ones, and I’ll see you in 2017.