In my last blog post I wrote about 3 of my 2020 goals and I’m not going to lie, I completely forgot about them until now. Tonight I had some internal driving force that led me to my blog and now I understand why. Two of my three 2020 goals were something that I’ve already done this year… and it’s April 2nd. I’m honestly so freaked out right now.
In my last post I wrote about how I want to prove I can fall in love again.. and well I did it. You’re probably thinking “jesus, it’s only been a couple months, how did that happen?”. Well, let me tell you. I’ve written about him a few times, and today I can say it’s a lot more developed than I used to portray it. From December 29th 2019 to April 2nd 2020 I fell in love with my best friend. I’m not going to act like this didn’t happen before then, but I admitted it both to myself and to him recently. It happened in the most nonchalant way, but it was special to me and the moment seems to play on repeat in my head. This is the second time I’ve fallen in love with someone in a romantic sense, and admitting it is so freeing! I thought I would feel completely freaked out afterwards, and I will admit that immediately right after I said it I talked endlessly about needing a beer and a cigarette (I was stressed, okay?). I may not have spoken about it in my blog, but my closest friends know that I tend to run when I start to feel like my vulnerability is showing.
I’ve always said that my core values revolve around vulnerability and authenticity but when you’re in the moment it’s a lot harder to remain grounded to those. Though I haven’t been writing in my blog, it got me thinking. I know I’m not alone in how absolutely terrifying it can be to admit to someone that you love them. In my case, it seemed to be a series of events that led to this outcome. I had a long conversation with one of my closest girlfriend’s the night before I said “I love you”, and she reminded me of a letter she wrote me years ago. In this letter there’s one sentence that seems to resonate with me more than something even my therapist could say; she says “This life is not about the love you get but the love you give. It’s not about what people give to you but what you give to them and all things. You love to love.” and when I read that I felt like a bullet went through my chest. I had forgotten that I was once someone who believed only in the impact of my own actions rather than anyone else’s. I got stuck in a belief that I only give what I know will be returned. Maybe that is the answer, I’m still not certain but I can tell you that when I’ve decided to be completely vulnerable that it’s paid off way more than when I decided to react to someone else’s vulnerability.
So in turn, I told the man that I’ve loved for months but decided to hide that I did love him. Like the uncommitted person I am I sprinkled in “I think I love you” and then ended with a “yeah definitely” just because I knew it would make myself feel better. He made sure to point out the fact that he could feel me being insecure afterwards and in the best outcome that I could ask for he held me and we fell asleep together.
No, he didn’t tell me that he loved me back but I can say for certain that I still feel SO much more free. Before I told him that I did love him, I had been caught up in the fact that I didn’t think he was ready to tell me the same. I held back for months because of that reason, and I regret it. I truly wish that I had had that epiphany of “you love to love” months before so I could have been honest about how I was feeling without expecting anything in return. I’m able to realize now that in order to be in a healthy place emotionally that I should be able to say that to someone without needing some sort of vindication. That’s the beauty of love; it should be a sort of epiphany that frees you from the own recesses of your mind that you’ve created for yourself. After being heartbroken over my ex I created this mentality that I will not love until I’m certain that I’m the one in complete control of the situation. I now feel confident that that is so much bullshit. If I truly felt like I had some control over the course of our relationship than I would not truly be in love.
I’m realizing now that there is a difference between being in love with a situation and being in love with a person. I am in love with HIM as a person which is why I was able to admit it to the both of us whereas if I continued down the path of needing justification before admitting it to him then I would only be in love with the situation. By being overly concerned with hearing it in return, I would only be in love with the relationship rather than him.
It’s April 2nd and the world is suffering from a pandemic. It’s April 2nd and I’m thinking about him. It’s April 2nd and I’m absolutely floored that on December 29th I decided that I wanted to admit to myself that I could love again. It’s April 2nd and I feel very confident that my fear is actually what wrote my last blog post. I was scared of letting go of my control and now it’s April 2nd and I feel no sense of control but I feel a whole lot of freedom. I’ve always preached that one’s own intention is not someone else’s reality and though that may still be true, I feel pretty good about revealing my own intention.
It’s April 2nd and I’m in love with him. Let yourself feel it too, if you’ve been holding back. Don’t be a victim to your own fear.
With love,
Gabby
fabulouslyalone 