Raise your glasses

It’s 10:30pm on a Saturday night and I stayed home (I act like I was conflicted with another option) to work on a friend’s wedding album I was customizing for them online and I ended up with flushed cheeks and in a lusty mood from this Columbia Valley cabernet sauvignon that tastes way too good. I finished her wedding album and then decided to look back through previous photo books I made over the past 10 years. I looked back at one I made for my mom on Mother’s day and teared up a bit. I looked back at our trip to Napa we took 2 years ago and could imagine the sun pouring down on my shoulders. I looked back at a disgusting photo album I made for my first love 6 years ago and laughed aloud.

I looked back at my friend’s wedding photo book again and started to tear up. I drank wine and let the preview roll through a couple of times and vaped out my window right in front of my desk even though it’s 35 degrees outside right now. At first I was like “god, love is disgusting”, and it really is. There’s something about looking through wedding photos for a couple hours that makes you realize “damn, look at him. He is absolutely smitten with her”. No wonder the tears flowed!

I forgot to mention that I’m listening to Usher…

Anyways, it made me get to thinking about my own life goals again. I’ve been pretty confident in the last 6 years that I didn’t want kids but I’ve stuck with the notion that I’d still love to get married. I could give two shits about my “special day”, but when I think about marriage I think about going on vacations with my significant other. I imagine nights at home where we drink wine and just smirk at one another and know what the other wants without having to even speak. P.S. It’s lava cake that I want.

As the year wraps up I start to think about all that I’ve experienced this year and as much as it hurt, I am damn proud of myself for taking some of the risks that I did. I have to stop myself from regretting a lot of moments by reminding myself that vulnerability, honesty, and authenticity are my driving forces. It hurts but ultimately that’s how one ends up avoiding the “what if” moments in life. This year I started falling for someone and fought as hard as I could. I also got drunk one too many times and drunk texted him which makes me feel shame but as I think back I realize that I was still honest, even if I was TOO honest. Sending a Youtube link to a love song when you’re tipsy is NOT a good idea, let me tell ya. That wasn’t me, it was Patricia. *side eyes myself*

We only have a few days left of this decade and it’s time to start thinking about what you want from the next 10 years. Is it marriage? Is it kids? Is it financial freedom? Career success? Whatever it is, do the cheesy shit like making a vision board or just write down your reflection and continued aspirations on the first of each month to keep you on track. It’s easy to get carried away with the reality in which we’re in right now but it’s also ultimately up to us to create the reality we want in the future.

So here’s what I’ve decided I’m doing on New Years to help prepare what 2020 and the next 10 years will look like. Call it a resolution, goals, whatever the fuck you want to call it but I call it my compass.

1. I’m going to re-write my personal mission statement. If you’ve never heard of it, go ahead and do some research and you’ll probably feel inspired. I wrote one about 3 years ago and though it still rings true it does include some things that are no longer in my life (like my dad). I need to re-focus my energy.
2. I want to prove to myself that I can fall in love again. It seems that every time I’m close it gets yanked from me and I think a reason for that is that I realize I’m falling too late. It also stays out of reach because I suck at putting energy into people I don’t know so I end up just going on a lot of first dates and 0 second dates.
3. I need to try and work on my career outside of the company I work for. Getting complacent is poisonous, and I’m drinking that shit like it’s Kool-Aid.

That’s all I have for now, but I know that all 3 are pretty hefty which is why I’m realistic that this is a long term project. So what will you be doing this New Years? I’ll be drinking my $120 bottle of wine that’s 10 years old (how fitting) that has been sitting in my cupboard since Napa and deciding that I’m going to stop looking towards what could be, and start making it fucking happen.

Happy new years, and cheers bitches!

-Gabby