Today I started therapy for the first time in years, and it was absolutely freeing. We didn’t even dive into the nitty gritty of the shit show that is my life, but even just having to confront my issues in order to tell him why I was there was just what I needed.
It’s time to speak my truth, and I know I’ve mentioned in the last few blog posts how vulnerable I have been and here it is again. I am bathing in what feels like my own blood and tears. I have no other choice but to hurt like hell, and be brutally honest. Here’s what the last year of my life has been like.
In June of last year I lost my dad. We didn’t have the best relationship growing up, but as I got older he became my rock and as I’ve continued on without him I realize how much I truly am just like him. He never failed to tell me that, but I never really saw past our relationship problems to see them until now. After he passed, we dealt with the whirlwind of legal issues that followed. After that, I started seeing one guy. And another. And then a guy from my past. And then ANOTHER guy from my past (the one I always write about. The ex that was my first love. The one that broke my heart… more than once). That was my most recent one, and I touched briefly about him in my last blog post that stayed up for less than 24 hours. I ended up deleting it because he and I broke up again. Yes again, for like the 7th time. I know…
So let me just touch on that briefly before I move on. I highly doubt that you will see any more blog posts about him, even just referring to past love. Though I have many years of my life that were golden due to him, I also have a lot of darkness with him and I realized that in this last week. In today’s session with my therapist while discussing the break up, he noticed I started rubbing my stomach a bit and asked how I was doing. He can already tell that it’s really hard for me to dive deep… except in my writing of course. I let him know that every time I think of him or talk about him I begin to feel physically sick to my stomach and he said “is it because you miss him, or because he makes you sick?” and I laughed… and then I thought about it and for the first time in my life I was very confident when I said “it’s not because I miss him.” and I have never been able to say that I didn’t miss him. After the words we exchanged, it’s clear that our love is one that will stay in my memories, but at this point in our lives we both want and strive for very different things from a relationship. So that’s done.
After realizing today that the last year has been filled with relationship after relationship, I am honestly exhausted. My therapist asked me another question that really piqued my attention. He said, “is your self esteem better or worst now than it was about a month ago?” and I was really amazed by my answer. Though I’ve had a lot of struggles in this last week while mourning a relationship that I never realized would actually die, I had more self esteem than I did while I was in a relationship. It’ll end up being another thing I work on over time, but it’s interesting that my self esteem is higher when I’m alone. It’s something that should absolutely remain consistent, but again the power to open my eyes has really given me the ability to morph things I didn’t realize needed to be changed.
I guess the moral of this post is to say that it’s really my time to be honest with myself, and find my path. I’ve felt lost for a long time, and I look forward to the coming months that will allow me to ease into dating (I SAID EASE. DON’T GET EXCITED NOW) and discovering what really fills my cup. I hope you’re all able to brutally honest with yourself, whether it makes you sick to your stomach or not, and join me in this exciting journey. I appreciate all of you, and I know this blog will help me get there. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up writing about something else because it seems like relationships and dating are not my forte. Watch out y’all, the possibilities are endless.
P.S. My therapist is super hot, and has a rocking beard. P.P.S. He’s married, so don’t get any ideas. No Hallmark movies happening here.