I am my past, and it has guided me. That’s what I’ve learned in my 22 years of life, and thus far has not failed me. I’ve learned from things that have happened to me as well as situations I’ve been in and it has influenced the decisions that I make to this day. In my past, I struggled with voicing exactly what I needed from a relationship, and I’ve gotten much better at doing that today.
I know you that last you knew I was in a committed relationship with a wonderful man who met all 5 of my non-negotiables, which is true. But it didn’t work out. This just goes to show that things don’t always go according to plan, and a list of what you need in your significant other is not enough, nor is love. Love is a beautiful, hardly attainable being in itself that is definitely worth fighting for, but the problem in my last relationship was that I wasn’t in love.
I wanted to be, but I wasn’t. I was met with impossible decisions near the end when I realized I woke up in the morning prepared to justify why our relationship wasn’t making me happy. I was used to being disappointed by my lack of emotion, as well as the lack of effort on his part. He may read this, and I hope that I don’t hurt him, but I must be honest. That is my commitment I’ve made to this blog and to my readers. I am genuine, honest, as well as vulnerable. I was in a relationship that I really wanted to work out, but it just wasn’t meant to be. He was attentive, giving, and perfect for somebody else… Just not me.
Today, I thought a lot about how I wanted to reach out to all of you. To write to all of you. But I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about. I haven’t been seeing anybody else, and haven’t gone on any dates so what advice did I have to give? Well here’s my advice.
Be true to yourself. You are your past, and you have learned whether consciously or subconsciously about what you need based on relationships you’ve had in the past. What I learned is that years ago I was deeply in love, and though it hurt towards the end, it’s certainly something I’d like to strive for again. An ex-boyfriend of mine years ago once told me “You’re obsessed with the idea of love”, and maybe I am. Maybe I am eager to feel that love again, but maybe I crave what I’ve once felt in the past. Maybe I want to feel like my soul belongs to someone else. I am true to myself and can realize that if I am going to be with someone, I need that consuming love. Mediocracy is not in my vocabulary, so why should I advocate for it? I didn’t, I haven’t, and I will not.
I am convinced that we are independent beings created to thrive on our own. I am additionally convinced that the only time we can become higher than the highest potential of our own being is when we have a significant other that lifts us up. Call me unrealistic or cheesy, but I am pretty convinced that my view about this will never change. I am my past, and my past has taught me that anything worth living for is worth suffering through. Have a good night y’all, and I can’t wait to be back with you guys. I love being single with all of you. ❤
P.S. I am newly blonde, so there’s that!
-Gabby (single and obsessed with love)