“Oh my god… Is that him?”

“Oh my god, is that him?!” we’ve all said it to ourselves a time or two when we thought we saw our ex in public, but then we realize that it’s actually possible for another guy to have the same shirt as our ex. But what happens if it’s actually not a false alarm? Suddenly the back of this guy looks really freaking familiar, and you swear you’ve seen that mole on his ear before. Is that really him?! You ask yourself.. Yes, why yes it is. Mayday, mayday, mayday, it’s time for world war 3 people and we are ready for intelligent warfare. This is not a drill people, time to conjure every single hurt emotion this man has caused.

It’s like it’s all happening in slow motion. You realize that this man actually is your ex, and you suddenly take a mental inventory of what you’re wearing. “Seriously  bitch, you’re wearing your fucking bad yoga pants in public? WHY DID YOU NEED ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW?!” and then the worst happens. He feels your stare on his back, and it’s like you see the rest in slow motion. You’re thinking about the way your hair looks like a baby gorilla’s, and he and his disgustingly shiny hair is turning slowly. You begin to see the corner of his mouth and remember the way it felt against your own, and then suddenly your staring square into his eyes. His eyes light up, and you’re preparing for every decent response to “how have you been?!’ which could include “depressed and drunk” or “better without you”, and even “fine. Thanks, bye.”

Now at this point in this inconvenient rendezvous, your conversation could go about 1 of 3 ways. You realize what you miss and begin to question every decision you’ve made since you split, you feel so much better off and add an extra pop to your hips when you walk away, or you feel nothing at all (when does this ever happen? Seriously.)

Pause for a minute. This morning while I was at work we all began delving in to the past when he had mistakenly run in to our exes, and though I didn’t hear a separate story to fit each category,  I am pretty confident that I am right. One of my coworkers ran in to her ex today when she was at Safeway and he would NOT let her walk out of that store without a background story of her life’s happenings. She honestly tried so hard to get out of that situation, like when you hear those stories about ordering a top secret shot at the bar when you’re on a bad date that calls them an Uber, but he was not having it. She did the classic chick move. Throw your head down, hope that he doesn’t recognize your walk, ignore his desperate calls of your name, and EVACUATE. He wasn’t having it. He, I shit you not, followed her out of the store and refused to let her walk away before he knew that perhaps he wasn’t the only miserable one without her. Boy, was he wrong. After their conversation, and finding out he worked a few blocks from her favorite lunch spot, she vowed to step up her work game, throw on the falsies, and look DAMN good when she saw him next.

Now, this is what I was referring to earlier. It wasn’t that she necessarily had anything against him, but there’s something satisfying about knowing that you look jaw-dropping when potentially running in to your ex. If she seems him at the salad bar tomorrow, all he’ll be able to do is stare at her ass while popping cherry tomatoes on his salad. Sorry bud, but this is what you missed out on, and damn right I am doing much better without you.

Unfortunately when I saw my ex in public almost a year ago, this is not the reaction I had, though it was a little similar. I saw him at a car show (I should have known it would happen) and silly me was pointing at a car directly behind him when my best friend realized I happened to be pointing directly at my ex boyfriend. I remember that I had recognized his shirt in the moment, but it was a car shirt so I thought “every guy probably has that shirt”. Now, in this moment, it was just as described above. Horrible, in slow motion, and nightmare causing for the following weeks. As I’m pointing at a GTR behind him  my best friend says “Gabby, stop. That’s him”. Of course I am oblivious as shit as to what’s going on (when am I not?) and I then lock eyes with him. This is one of those moments that you reflect one. What did his eyes say? Why did he instantly drop his girlfriends hand when he locked eyes with me? And of course, why did I gape at his girlfriend with an open mouth? Well luckily in my situation, I gaped at her because she did not look like the girl I had remembered from stalking his Facebook.

My experience was different than my coworkers in that her ex had known what he missed out on, whereas my ex and myself included refused to admit that we had seen each other. Instead I acted like I didn’t see him race a car, and he acted like he hadn’t been awed by my beauty causing him to drop his girlfriends hand (yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

Moral of the story, when you see your ex and you begin questioning what you’re wearing, why you decided on this day to skip flossing, or why you gained that extra 10 pounds just remember this; they were in love with you for a reason and if they saw you in public somewhere, they are wondering about you. He went home, and he questioned every part of his life, whether consciously or subconsciously, and even if you aren’t proud of the size of your ass right now, you better ROCK that thing back and forth when walking away.

Work it ladies!

My best,

The girl who lost 30 pounds and looked really fucking good when I saw my ex *hair flip*

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