So this morning, I had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head (blame the playlist at work) and I caught myself singing “Merp, merp, meeeeerp” to the tune of Katy Perry while typing away at my desk. When I realized what horrific noise I was making, I instantly thought to myself “no wonder I’m single”. After that negative thought crept into my brain, I realized that a bad attitude can block destiny, so I knew I needed to reform the thought. I sat for a little bit and thought, “hell, why not just sit and reflect about all of my quirks and imperfections, and write them down so I am prepared to explain them all to my future significant other. It’d be a hell of a laugh”
So here I am, actually typing a letter to my future love (please don’t be a fuck boy) of my life… Enjoy!
My future love,
You may think you know me, but if you really knew me you’d know that I am an imperfect creature who has a hard time recognizing that sometimes. My mom liked to say that she passed on her Perfectionism to me, but I am uncertain if that’s even the right word for my constant stream of thoughts that make me hate the person I am; “if only they listened to me” or “why is it so hard for people to understand something when it’s effortless to me” and “I’m right”… No, I’m not right but I can never recognize that in the moment. You may have called me a control freak in the past when I had to reorganize the dishwasher, and know that it cut deep because that’s a part of me that I try to bury but I truly have no control of. I’m working on it, so be patient while I attempt to remain open, vulnerable, and open to criticism.
If you truly knew me you’d see that I hate my curly hair and the cellulite on my thighs. You’d know that I sing freely in the car until I realize that people may be listening. I’m the kind of person that does my best to be confident at all times, but really I have a tattoo that says “beautiful” on my ribs because I have to force myself to look at it and remind myself. Sometimes I go through ruts where I question everything in my life, and during those moments I just need you to humor me. If I start talking about moving to North Carolina, I need you to just smile and tell me that you’d follow me. Trust me, I won’t actually do it. I never do.
I am absolutely certain you know this by now, but if not let me remind you; I snort when I laugh too hard, and I say “meep” and “merp” for absolutely no reason. My feet are constantly cold, and if I ever don’t have my feet under your thighs to warm them up then I am very angry with you. I have the stupidest humor (blame my dad), and I curse like a sailor without shame. I’ve always dreamt of being a writer, and I adore goats. Yes, goats. I say too much (this may be an instance of that…), and don’t tell me to shush or else I may explode. I’m sassy, stubborn, my smile is big, and my laugh is even bigger.
Some of these may sound pretty familiar, and if they don’t then you’re probably not really in love with me. If they do and you’re still sticking around, then I applaud you. Before I go, I just want to say that I appreciate you. I appreciate you for picking me up when I have one of my anxiety attacks. I appreciate you for kissing my body when I feel insecure and hopeless. I appreciate you for occasionally giving me daisies instead of roses, and I appreciate you for just being there. If I fell in love with you, just know that you did something right, and I’d like you to continue reminding me of that. I don’t want to fall out of love this time, I want you to be my one and only.
With love, kisses, sass, and fear,