Can you believe that I haven’t posted a single blog post in July? It’s a shame, really. The reason why I’ve been staying away from the blog is because I’m in a really odd part of my life, and I feel like I’m forcing a few puzzle pieces together that don’t quite belong. As a Gemini, I tend to go through seasonal ruts where I question everyone and everything in my life. Every time it happens, I tend to push it out of my mind and choose to ignore what my soul is screaming at me because change is hard. I’ve always been one who is more open to change, but I’ve noticed that the older I get, the more resistant I am to change. I am not letting myself do that this time.
As you know, my dad passed away last month and since then I haven’t even had time to really grieve my dad. Besides the tears that sometimes surprise me I can’t stand to think about “where” he has gone, because I begin to panic. I never realized how much I feared death, but I do and it consumes me which is why I’ve thrown myself into other things. My dating life is continuing, although I notice myself resisting it because well let’s be real, I’m a fucking mess right now. I’ve obviously been back at work (I didn’t take the full two week bereavement leave as I was offered, and only took 4 days off. My first mistake…), and I’ve also been thrown into the legality of death, and it is ruthless. My dad didn’t leave a Will behind so my brother and I are currently fighting the state to keep his house, and cars. To do this, we have to enter a 6 month long process of pretty much waiting around. In order to keep his assets, we must figure out a way to pay my dads bills he has left over so we had begun renovations on his home so we could sell it and pay his bills. But of course when life gets hard it also likes to curb stomp you and spit on you, and we ran into many unexpected costs if we were to continue renovating the house.
So we haven’t quite figured out where we are going from here, but I did realize something. It was Sunday night, and I finally felt like I could breathe after suffering from constant anxiety for the last few weeks. My chest just felt open, and my soul full from the words of the book I was reading. My phone starts ringing, and it’s my mom to tell me the bad news about the additional costs. After weeks of holding it together, I finally lost my shit and I was so angry. I was pissed that this world is so cruel, and I hated how much I missed my dad, and I was resentful that I hadn’t forced him to make a will, and I was just angry. I went to bed pissed off at the world, and I think that’s what got to me the most.
I awoke on Monday morning with a killer headache, and a shitty mood. As I arrived to work, I continued on as if nothing had happened. Sometime in the middle of the day, I had the most random epiphany and realized that I do my best to stay conscious of how people around me feel, that I sometimes have a very hard time admitting that “No, I am not okay” and this is more damaging than anything else. I need to stop acting like I’m not suffering from the worst anxiety of my life, and I need to stop smiling like life is dandy. Life really freaking sucks right now, and that’s okay. It’s normal. Everyone goes through it. The only part of it I can control, is how I react to it. So I made some quick decisions that may not benefit those around me, but are truly the best option for ME. I am leaving my comfortable, fabulous apartment with my best friend to go live in my dad’s house with my brother so that I can save money, and focus on what really matters; My family, and my own happiness. In the last month I’ve grown by leaps and bounds, and I may have fallen to get there, but the fact that I got back up is what matters.
This was the first time I haven’t ignored one of my Gemini seasonal ruts as I like to call them, and I’m digging it so far. I’m moving, allowing myself to be vulnerable, finding beauty in my struggles, and learning a little bit about self-care.
That may have been a VERY different blog post then you’re used to, but I think it’s necessary. Your self-care should always come first, even before dating, friendship, financial status, work, or family. You can’t fill someone else’s glass if your own is empty.
Have the best day everyone, and I’ll do my best to get back to Sassy Gabby so we can get back to dating business.