Wanted: Friend with Benefits

You know those little moments when you realize that you’re a really huge asshole? I had like 100 of those moments today which most definitely confirms that I am literally the worst person over. You all probably knew that already, but let me give you some background information before I start telling you all about my new Plenty of Fish adventures.

After Mr. Perfect walked out of my life (read my last blog post here if you’re confused), I was pretty content to just stick with what I already had going. I just wanted to be single, and enjoy the Summer with my girls. And then my ex texted me after my dad died, and it changed what I thought I wanted (yes I know, not healthy). He was very cordial, and simply offered his condolences but really it just pissed me off. Like I was ready to throw shit in my apartment and thank god my roommate understands my moods because she still hung around me even when  I was literally cursing everyone and their mother to hell. I hated seeing his phone number pop up again on my phone, even if we didn’t even have a conversation. It just reminded me of what love felt like, just for a split second, and it fucked with my feelings. So that night, I decided that this summer I didn’t want to be completely single, or have a boyfriend. I wanted a friends with benefits which is not something I’ve ever done.

So here I am. Drinking a Blue Moon after work, reading my POF messages, laughing my ass off, and realizing how much of an asshole I am. If you remember my blog post from a few weeks ago where I went on an experiment to use popular dating apps (if not it’s Dating Apps? *facepalm*), and I guess we could say this post will be pretty similar. I updated my profile on POF to say “casual dating/ no commitment” and added in my About section that “I am just looking for a friends with benefits at the moment”. And OH MY GOD the responses I’ve gotten. Absolutely priceless.

Let me just say that guys try SO much harder when they know that sex is on the table. It’s actually hilarious how many guys typed up a message with their life story as if they were in a  job interview. But let me tell you, this shit makes me feel empowered as hell!

So let me tell you about this one guy who messaged me. We’ll call him Samuel because he reminds me of a Samuel. I actually don’t know his name (asshole moment #1). He was visiting Portland from Birmingham for about a week, and messaged me asking if I’d be down to get together for a hook up. He had a nice body, but wasn’t my type at all and I decided when I had a friends with benefits that I’d be picky as hell since it was only a physical relationship. I said no thank you since he wasn’t my type, and he asked what my type was… I told him I was into taller guys who were blonde, and had blue eyes with a nice smile. He said he understood, and then asked if I knew where he could buy blue contacts and hair dye. Like for reals? I lost it, you guys. Either way he was 5’6 so no chance with me. Sorry boys. Okay let me pause and say THIS is one of those asshole moments. I’m a horrible person. I typed that and was like “Wow. Someone hit me, please.”

Guy #2 is actually a guy I went to high school with *facepalm*. No other words needed.

Guy #3 literally gave me a sales pitch about himself, and then before I even answered (which let’s be real, I wasn’t going to) he messaged me again and legit said “did I pass your test?”. This is what I mean when I say guys try ridiculously hard when they think they’ll be  getting laid soon. What showed me my asshole moment is when I looked at his pictures, and they were all taken with a selfie stick. Of course my judgmental ass was like “mm, no. He tries harder to get a good selfie than I do.” Seriously guys, what is wrong with me? When I told him no thank you and that he wasn’t my type, he asked what my type was. What is it with guys and wanting to know this?

Guy #4 is a complete stranger and I have absolutely no clue who he is. This clever creep had the idea that my POF username was the same as my snapchat, and added me on snapchat. What’s even creepier was that his username was “just me”, the fuck? So I messaged him asking him who he was, and he said he saw me on POF but didn’t message me. I bitched him out about how inappropriate and creepy he was, and then I blocked him. *shrug*

Guy #5 got lucky and messaged me right as I was wrapping this up and I just had to include it. Of course, there had to be at least one raunchy message coming my way right? Well here it is. He messaged me this morning saying “you not into black guys sweetie?” even though he had never messaged me before so there’s no reason for him to think that but I just didn’t respond. He just messaged me again with the whole “I just want to…” and then proceeded to tell me what he wanted to do to my “juice box”. HIS WORDS NOT MINE. It’s nasty as hell, pissed me off a little bit, but made me laugh my ass off more. I gave my first asshole response and said “sorry sweetie, no chance.” He just really needed to be put in his spot. Back up bro, you’re not hot shit.

Those were the only guys that stood out to me, which is a shame because this was kind of fun. I’ll be sticking to POF just because I’ve had the most luck with it, but only for a friends with benefits. I may get some hate and disrespect for this, but I am young and quite frankly why the hell not? People my age are already pressured to do all of these amazing things with their life and so why rush a relationship too? Why not take my time, dip my toes in a few different pools, and then decide what I really want in life? I can’t think of a reason not to.

Cheers y’all. I’ve gone through 2 Blue Moon’s writing this, and Popeyes is calling my name. I’ll keep you updated if any potential FWB’s come along. Have the best day!

 

 

 

 

 

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