Figuring out how to balance your single life is exhausting in itself because it’s so easy to get too comfortable. Once you’ve begun loving yourself when you’re alone, it can be hard to imagine loving someone else again. This is my biggest issue in my single life. I am too good at being alone. I cancel dates last minute because I would rather go to the gym or spend the day watching Netflix alone. Suddenly you begin to realize that we have so much more room to be selfish, which is not a luxury in a relationship. If I want to stay in bed for the entire weekend, I can do that. If I want to go blow my whole paycheck on a shopping spree at the Michael Kors store, that’s also a possibility (ya caught me red handed).
Figuring out how to be willing to give up all that I’ve worked for in a year and a half is hard for me to think about, and some would consider me selfish because of this. When I think about settling down again, I remember how it was to be in a serious relationship. Checking with the man to have a girls night (as if my girlfriends are bad influences…), second guessing a purchase for myself because I knew he wanted a sound system for Christmas (I was an awesome gift giver), wondering if we need to go to his parents house this weekend, or mine. I am actually burning calories while thinking about all of this because it’s so exhausting.
This is why I began my soul searching in the first place; to try to figure out what I wanted in my life, regardless of the expectations that were placed on me. Did I want to settle down someday and have children? Did I want that white picket fence life, or did I want the adventurous travel and freedom? It is something that I think about quite often, and here’s what I have so far. I truly do adore being in love. The natural sense of it, the constant laughs, knowing you have a best friend and a lover in one, it’s empowering and definitely something I would do again. I’ve only been in love once and though the passion from it left me scarred, I am certain that it is something I’ll feel again, and it probably won’t be so hard the second time around. I aspire to be in love again, though I’ve realized that kids are probably not in my future and that’s just how it is. What’s lovely about life is that we can choose our purpose and direction. I am choosing to be open to love again, but I am not in a hurry to do it because I answer to only my own deadlines. Ignoring society, and realizing that we only have our own terms to meet is the hardest part about being single. We don’t NEED to be in a relationship, and we don’t NEED to have kids, and we don’t NEED to get married. If I want to eat a tub of ice cream and watch P.S. I love you all alone, well ya damn skippy that’s what i’m going to do.
I know I touched on a few key things in this post, and to be honest it’s because my head has been all over the place this morning. What do I want in life? Why do I feel stuck? What the hell am I doing? These are all questions that never leave me, and that’s okay. I don’t always need to have the answer. What I do need to do is love myself every single day, and that’s what I’m going to do. I hope you do too.